The "Crack" Spoiler Discussion Thread

[ISeeAnIsland]

While we're in this awful spoiler drought, I thought that some of us might like to have a place to discuss "crack" spoilers--spoilers from sources that appear to be unreliable or are from unproven sources. I figured that if we stuck these in their own thread, we could still talk about them/laugh at them without cluttering up the more reputable spoiler thread. (Plus, the posters here who would rather just ignore these can just easily ignore the whole thread.) This also gives us a place to discuss those random/crazy non-Bothan-spy reddit leaks.

So...first up. Our favorite helmet-themed website has a new post up!

https://iwasraisedtodoonething.com/2016/08/12/r2-3po-robotic-bromance/

Flux has given me a bit of info regarding C-3PO and R2-D2. Apparently the duo will have more screen time than they did in TFA.

According to Flux, R2 is with Rey and Luke the entire film while 3PO works with Chancellor Valara during the time Leia is unconscious. The duo only share one scene together when Rey and Luke rejoin the Resistance near the end of the film.

Flux also said that 3PO is gold plated all over, making him one solid color for the first time since Revenge of the Sith. R2 on the other hand looks very used and in need of some TLC. He is outdated as the common astromech model is the BB unit at this point in time.

I’ll share more as Flux informs me. He is working on another film now and his updates will be sparse.

Funny how he has Rey and Luke rejoining the Resistance at the end of the movie when just a few posts back, he was confident that the KoR attack took place in the third act of the movie.

And I'm only posting this because I'm amused at the holes that he's dug for himself.

[FrolickingFizzgig]

I kind of love this guy in a "I'm not sure someone could pay me to write stuff this bad" kind of way. Flux is my hero too.

[IoJovi]

This is BRILLIANT!!!!

I can't wait to see what we find...

[Reylo Lemon]

I liked that spoiler about Kylo finding a dark Cristal and goes all evil and Luke tries to save Leia and Rey. It was one of the first fake as hell spoilers

[ISeeAnIsland]

Someone needs to track down the link to the mechanical pelvis spoiler!

[IoJovi]

Someone needs to track down the link to the mechanical pelvis spoiler!

@ISeeAnIsland

I just searched for it, and while I'm not successful yet, one of the first things that showed up was a link to this forum with someone griping about FinnRey...

[ZioRen]

Let's place our bets on when "my baby girl" ends up in one of his posts.

Also I know we're talking about VIII spoilers, but "Luke is Kylo Ren!" still makes me laugh.

[Kyla Ren]

Someone needs to track down the link to the mechanical pelvis spoiler!

@ISeeAnIsland

You mean this one?

http://beyondomatic.com/yo/epVIIIs.pdf

[ISeeAnIsland]

Someone needs to track down the link to the mechanical pelvis spoiler!

@ISeeAnIsland

You mean this one?

http://beyondomatic.com/yo/epVIIIs.pdf

@Kyla Ren

Yes!  And I think we also now know where KY10REY got his/her idea of there being a cave behind the giant tree:

Luke and Rey walk through a stone archway, into a protected area, and Luke gestures to a knarled tree
curling around a dark opening in the hillside.

ETA: This is the first time that I've read the whole thing, as opposed to just posted excerpts. There's gold in here:

REY
He froze me with the force. I couldn’t move.
LUKE
Snoke taught him that.
REY
First he tries to access my mind, then he kills Han Solo, then he almost kills Finn, then he says, “Oh, I can teach you the ways of the Force”. NO thank you.
LUKE
Hm.
I think he likes you.
REY
Ugh. Disgusting. Stop it.

AND here's THE passage:

SCENE: Interior
, Prisoner Medical Bay, Phasma’s ship.
FINN is on a slanted platform (a la Vader’s platform) slowly opening his eyes, and adjusting to the bright
lights. We see his point of view. CAPTAIN PHASMA stands over him. Finn tries to run, but can’t move.
He looks down and he has a robotic pelvis and legs.
FINN
Wha
-
what the?
CAPTAIN PHASMA
Looking for these?
CAPTAIN PHASMA gestures to Finn’s legs, hanging from the ceiling.
FINN
Auhhghghhh!!!!

[Kyla Ren]

Someone needs to track down the link to the mechanical pelvis spoiler!

@ISeeAnIsland

You mean this one?

http://beyondomatic.com/yo/epVIIIs.pdf

@Kyla Ren

Yes!  And I think we also now know where KY10REY got his/her idea of there being a cave behind the giant tree:

Luke and Rey walk through a stone archway, into a protected area, and Luke gestures to a knarled tree
curling around a dark opening in the hillside.

ETA:  This is the first time that I've read the whole thing, as opposed to just posted excerpts. There's gold in here:

REY
He froze me with the force.  I couldn’t move.
LUKE
Snoke taught him that.  
REY
First he tries to access my mind, then he kills Han Solo, then he almost kills Finn, then he says, “Oh, I can teach you the ways of the Force”.  NO thank you.
LUKE
Hm.  
I think he likes you.
REY
Ugh.  Disgusting.  Stop it.

AND here's THE passage:

SCENE: Interior
, Prisoner Medical Bay, Phasma’s ship.
FINN is on a slanted platform (a la Vader’s platform) slowly opening his eyes, and adjusting to the bright
lights.    We see his point of view.  CAPTAIN PHASMA stands over him.  Finn tries to run, but can’t move.  
He looks down and he has a robotic pelvis and legs.
FINN
Wha
-
what the?
CAPTAIN PHASMA
Looking for these?
CAPTAIN PHASMA gestures to Finn’s legs, hanging from the ceiling.
FINN
Auhhghghhh!!!!

@ISeeAnIsland

The whole thing is pure gold!  It's one of the best crack spoilers yet!  Maybe if we're lucky, the same person will write more.

[Kyla Ren]

I liked that spoiler about Kylo finding a dark Cristal and goes all evil and Luke tries to save Leia and Rey. It was one of the first fake as hell spoilers

@Maria Antonietta

I don't think I remember that one.  Do remember where it was from?

[Lily Snape]

Someone needs to track down the link to the mechanical pelvis spoiler!

@ISeeAnIsland

You mean this one?

http://beyondomatic.com/yo/epVIIIs.pdf

@Kyla Ren

Yes!  And I think we also now know where KY10REY got his/her idea of there being a cave behind the giant tree:

Luke and Rey walk through a stone archway, into a protected area, and Luke gestures to a knarled tree
curling around a dark opening in the hillside.

ETA: This is the first time that I've read the whole thing, as opposed to just posted excerpts. There's gold in here:

REY
He froze me with the force. I couldn’t move.
LUKE
Snoke taught him that.
REY
First he tries to access my mind, then he kills Han Solo, then he almost kills Finn, then he says, “Oh, I can teach you the ways of the Force”. NO thank you.
LUKE
Hm.
I think he likes you.
REY
Ugh. Disgusting. Stop it.

AND here's THE passage:

SCENE: Interior
, Prisoner Medical Bay, Phasma’s ship.
FINN is on a slanted platform (a la Vader’s platform) slowly opening his eyes, and adjusting to the bright
lights. We see his point of view. CAPTAIN PHASMA stands over him. Finn tries to run, but can’t move.
He looks down and he has a robotic pelvis and legs.
FINN
Wha
-
what the?
CAPTAIN PHASMA
Looking for these?
CAPTAIN PHASMA gestures to Finn’s legs, hanging from the ceiling.
FINN
Auhhghghhh!!!!

@ISeeAnIsland

Memo to self not to read this thread in bed while my husband is asleep-- I nearly woke him up by laughing out loud.

[Mana]

Whenever a spoiler mentions Rey needing to be rescued...like, yeah right

[Helix]

Isn't the mechanical pelvis the one that also mentions something about Luke's arthritis bothering him while he's using the force on some TIEs or somethin'.

'My Baby Girl' still haunts me to this day.

[Guest]

Isn't the mechanical pelvis the one that also mentions something about Luke's arthritis bothering him while he's using the force on some TIEs or somethin'.

'My Baby Girl' still haunts me to this day.

@Helix

LOL what?!

[Helix]

Isn't the mechanical pelvis the one that also mentions something about Luke's arthritis bothering him while he's using the force on some TIEs or somethin'.

'My Baby Girl' still haunts me to this day.

@Helix

LOL what?!  

@AppleCrumble122

IT IS,

Luke concentrates with the force, and when the tie fighter flys by, he stops it with the force, then flings it
into another tie fighter, destroying them both.  Then he freezes another one, and shoots it with his other
hand, but misses, he shakes his hand, as it hurts with arthritis.

this script is a blessing

[ISeeAnIsland]

Isn't the mechanical pelvis the one that also mentions something about Luke's arthritis bothering him while he's using the force on some TIEs or somethin'.

'My Baby Girl' still haunts me to this day.

@Helix

LOL what?!  

@AppleCrumble122

IT IS,

Luke concentrates with the force, and when the tie fighter flys by, he stops it with the force, then flings it
into another tie fighter, destroying them both.  Then he freezes another one, and shoots it with his other
hand, but misses, he shakes his hand, as it hurts with arthritis.

this script is a blessing

@Helix

I had never read the whole thing before last night. It really is some cracktastic fanfiction of the worst kind.

[Guest]

Isn't the mechanical pelvis the one that also mentions something about Luke's arthritis bothering him while he's using the force on some TIEs or somethin'.

'My Baby Girl' still haunts me to this day.

@Helix

LOL what?!  

@AppleCrumble122

IT IS,

Luke concentrates with the force, and when the tie fighter flys by, he stops it with the force, then flings it
into another tie fighter, destroying them both.  Then he freezes another one, and shoots it with his other
hand, but misses, he shakes his hand, as it hurts with arthritis.

this script is a blessing

@Helix

That is pure comedy gold right there! I love it!

[panki]

SCENE: Interior
, Prisoner Medical Bay, Phasma’s ship.
FINN is on a slanted platform (a la Vader’s platform) slowly opening his eyes, and adjusting to the bright
lights. We see his point of view. CAPTAIN PHASMA stands over him. Finn tries to run, but can’t move.
He looks down and he has a robotic pelvis and legs.
FINN
Wha
-
what the?
CAPTAIN PHASMA
Looking for these?
CAPTAIN PHASMA gestures to Finn’s legs, hanging from the ceiling.
FINN
Auhhghghhh!!!!

@ISeeAnIsland

This sounds like something from the "Hostel" movie series, not SW

[Guest]

SCENE: Interior
, Prisoner Medical Bay, Phasma’s ship.
FINN is on a slanted platform (a la Vader’s platform) slowly opening his eyes, and adjusting to the bright
lights. We see his point of view. CAPTAIN PHASMA stands over him. Finn tries to run, but can’t move.
He looks down and he has a robotic pelvis and legs.
FINN
Wha
-
what the?
CAPTAIN PHASMA
Looking for these?
CAPTAIN PHASMA gestures to Finn’s legs, hanging from the ceiling.
FINN
Auhhghghhh!!!!

@ISeeAnIsland

This sounds like something from the "Hostel" movie series, not SW

@panki

..... I'm actually struggling to breathe here..... it's too good!

[panki]

And let us not forget "Echoes of the Dark Side".....

The backstory to Luke and his Jedi being wiped out is that Snoke seduced Kylo and a few of the other students to the dark side and tasked them with killing everyone. Luke and a few others survived, including a young Rey who was subsequently dumped on Jakku by Luke.

Rey's mom died in the attack.

Rey is pissed at Luke because she guesses that he was her father and is angry at him for abandoning her. Luke turns to her and says "No, you are my father".

I absolutely love the underlined part!!

[panki]

@AppleCrumble122

I haven't stopped laughing since I visited this thread.... each spoiler is hilarious! I hope someone uses these ideas in a spoof SW movie someday....

[ISeeAnIsland]

And let us not forget "Echoes of the Dark Side".....

The backstory to Luke and his Jedi being wiped out is that Snoke seduced Kylo and a few of the other students to the dark side and tasked them with killing everyone. Luke and a few others survived, including a young Rey who was subsequently dumped on Jakku by Luke.

Rey's mom died in the attack.

Rey is pissed at Luke because she guesses that he was her father and is angry at him for abandoning her. Luke turns to her and says "No, you are my father".

I absolutely love the underlined part!!

@panki

That's possibly THE best fake spoiler line of dialogue out of all of these so far.

[Reylo Lemon]

And let us not forget "Echoes of the Dark Side".....

The backstory to Luke and his Jedi being wiped out is that Snoke seduced Kylo and a few of the other students to the dark side and tasked them with killing everyone. Luke and a few others survived, including a young Rey who was subsequently dumped on Jakku by Luke.

Rey's mom died in the attack.

Rey is pissed at Luke because she guesses that he was her father and is angry at him for abandoning her. Luke turns to her and says "No, you are my father".

I absolutely love the underlined part!!

@panki

That's possibly THE best fake spoiler line of dialogue out of all of these so far.

@ISeeAnIsland

It's raining Oscars!!!

[ISeeAnIsland]

I dug up the "Stronger than Ever" one.

Interestingly, there are parts of this that don't seem that ridiculous any more:

Scene 1 (single concept art image) - Ahch-To

In the scene there are Luke and Rey that appear to be engaged in lightsaber training under the rain on the planet of Ahch-To; Luke has his green saber, Rey has the blue one that belonged to her new Master and to Anakin before him. Rey and Luke's dresses are very similar to the ones they had in the final scene of The Force Awakens.


Scene 2 (taken from different concepts arts images pasted on the same paper and temporally connected) - Unknown Planet

The scene has been described as "epic" even if the quality of the images was lower than the previous one. It's a warfare scene, set at sunset on an unknown planet very similar of Takodana but with a palace/temple much bigger than the one belonged to Maz Kanata (perhaps the planet is Yavin 4?). In the first image there are war heavy fightings, with the Resistance on the edge to be defeaten. Chewbacca is in a corner to protect a wounded figure (unknown who he/she is) and appears to be screaming loud. Kylo Ren is on the battlefield with a crossguard lightsaber but with him there is another villain character with a red lightsaber (another Knight of Ren? Benicio Del Toro's character? It is unknown). On the Kylo Ren figure there is a post-it with the script "stronger than ever". Then there is a temporal sequence of images; on the first one you can see a ship coming from above with a door opening and some stormtroopers on the ground firing at it. In the next image you can see that Luke Skywalker and Rey were on the ship and behind the door that was opening; then they do a Force push together to push away the stormtroopers and jump down on the battlefield. Then the 2 vs 2 lightsaber battle against Kylo Ren and the other dark figure begins. In this sequence Luke has a different outfit, with hairs and a beard shorter and more refined, very similar to the last Mark Hamill photos appeared on the web. Luke's dresses surprisingly are very similar to the young Obi-Wan Kenobi of Ep.I ones, with the only differences to have short sleeves and a white habit.


On both the concept arts it was also written "not yet finished".

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